Un été il y a deux an
Le début des grandes vacances
deux semaines à Chamonix
Un après midi ensoleillé
Le début d’une randonnée commence
Deux mille mètre etait l’objectif
Un souffle de plus en plus compliqué
L’air moin oxygèné
De grands coups de froid se font ressentir
Un horizon époustouflant
L’environnement inconnu pour moi
Deux rochers deux bouts de glace je touchais
Un objectif réussi
L’effort était rude
Deux mille mètres étaient accomplis
J’ai éprouvé des difficultés
Je me suis évadé
Je garde se souvenir à jamais
Guillaume Daunas
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Pour améliorer ton texte, rajoute d’abord de la ponctuation. Ensuite il faut rajouter des détails : insiste sur le ressenti lors de la montée (étonnement face au paysage changeant ; essoufflement dû à la montée ; danger du sentier près d’un ravin ? …) Tu peux aussi décrire davantage les éléments du paysage.
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