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Monty Python

Scene 35

 
 ARTHUR:  There it is!  The Bridge of Death!
  ROBIN:  Oh, great.
  KNIGHT:  Look!
  ARTHUR:  There's the old man from Scene 24!
  BEDEMIR:  What is he doing here?
  ARTHUR:  He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.  He asks each
      traveller five questions--
  KNIGHT:  Three questions.
  ARTHUR:  Three questions.  He who answers the five questions--
  KNIGHT:  Three questions.
  ARTHUR:  Three questions may cross in safety.
  ROBIN:  What if you get a question wrong?
  ARTHUR:  Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
  ROBIN:  Oh, I won't go.
  KNIGHT:  Who's going to answer the questions?
  ARTHUR:  Sir Robin!
  ROBIN:  Yes?
  ARTHUR:  Brave Sir Robin, you go.
  ROBIN:  Hey!  I've got a great idea.  Why doesn't Launcelot go?
  LAUNCELOT:  Yes, let me go, my liege.  I will take him single-handed.
      I shall make a feint to the north-east--
  ARTHUR:  No, no, hang on, hang on, hang on!  Just answer the five
      questions--
  KNIGHT:  Three questions.
  ARTHUR:  Three questions as best you can.  And we shall watch... and
      pray.
  LAUNCELOT:  I understand, my liege.
  ARTHUR:  Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot.  God be with you.
  KEEPER:  Stop!  Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
      these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
  LAUNCELOT:  Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper.  I'm not afraid.
  KEEPER:  What is your name?
  LAUNCELOT:  My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
  KEEPER:  What is your quest?
  LAUNCELOT:  To seek the Holy Grail.
  KEEPER:  What is your favorite color?
  LAUNCELOT:  Blue.
  KEEPER:  Right.  Off you go.
  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, thank you.  Thank you very much.
  ROBIN:  That's easy!
  KEEPER:  Stop!  Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me
      these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
  ROBIN:  Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper.  I'm not afraid.
  KEEPER:  What is your name?
  ROBIN:  Sir Robin of Camelot.
  KEEPER:  What is your quest?
  ROBIN:  To seek the Holy Grail.
  KEEPER:  What is the capital of Assyria?
  ROBIN:  I don't know that!  Auuuuuuuugh!
  KEEPER:  Stop!  What is your name?
  GALAHAD:  Sir Galahad of Camelot.
  KEEPER:  What is your quest?
  GALAHAD:  I seek the Holy Grail.
  KEEPER:  What is your favorite color?
  GALAHAD:  Blue.  No yel--  Auuuuuuuugh!
  KEEPER:  Heh heh.  Stop!  What is your name?
  ARTHUR:  It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
  KEEPER:  What is your quest?
  ARTHUR:  To seek the Holy Grail.
  KEEPER:  What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
  ARTHUR:  What do you mean?  An African or European swallow?
  KEEPER:  What?  I don't know that!  Auuuuuuuugh!
  BEDEMIR:  How do know so much about swallows?
  ARTHUR:  Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.

 

 

 

 

The world today seems absolutely crackers,
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It's depressing and it's senseless, and that's why...
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're always friendly, and they're ready to please.

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
There's nine hundred million of them in the world today.
You'd better learn to like them; that's what I say.

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They come from a long way overseas,
But they're cute and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please.

I like Chinese food.
The waiters never are rude.
Think of the many things they've done to impress.
There's Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and Chess.

So I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.

I like Chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confucious taught.
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt.

So, I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're wise and they're witty, and they're ready to please.

All together.

[verse in Chinese]
Wo ai zhongguo ren. (I like Chinese.)
Wo ai zhongguo ren. (I like Chinese.)
Wo ai zhongguo ren. (I like Chinese.)
Ni hao ma; ni hao ma; ni hao ma; zaijien! (How are you; how are you; how are you; goodbye!)

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
Their food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine, and lychees.

 

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees...

 

 

 

 

GIRLS:

Camelot
The town that never sleeps
It's Camelot!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=13&v=1g0XmIubuts

ALL KNIGHTS:
We're knights of the round table
We dance when e're we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impecc-able
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam alot

We're knights of the round talbe
Our shows are for-mid-able
But many times, we're given rythmes
That are quite unsing-able
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot

(dance sequence)

PRINCIPAL KNIGHTS:
We're knights of the table
Although we live a fable
We're not just bums
With royal mums
We've brains that are quite a-ble
We've a busy life in Camelot.

SOLO MAN:
I have to push the pram a lot.

(dance sequence)

ARTHUR:
Ladies and gentlemen - The Lady of the Lake.

LADY OF THE LAKE:
Once in every show
There comes a song like.......this
It starts off soft and low
And ends up with a kiss
Oh, where is the song that goes like this?
Goes like this?
A sentimental song
That cast a magic spell
They will all hum along
And we'll all overact, overact like hell
'Cos this is the song
Yes this is the song
Oh this is the song that goes.......like
(Lady of the Lake - scats)
(Arthur - scats)

LADY OF THE LAKE:
They're Knights of the Round Table

ARTHUR:
They dance when e'er they're able

LADY OF THE LAKE:
They're Knights

ARTHUR:
Not days, but Knights

LADY AND ARTHUR:
Not dawn, not dusk
Not late afternoon
But Knights of the Round Table
Round Table
Round Table
Round Table

ALL:
Round Table
Round Table
Round Table
So try your luck in Camelot
Run amok in Camelot
It doesn't suck in Camelot
(spoken)
WE WON!
(sung)
We're Knights of the Round Table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and gory scenes
That are to hot for cable

We eat ham and jam
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot


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